By Dr. Sagashus Levingston | The Weekly Wench | Pleasure & Power
Raven Davenport and her family are fictional characters in the IMverse. Their stories explore real questions about mothering, ambition, love, and building a whole life.
Raven was putting away laundry when she found the shirt with dried upholstery glue across the front. It used to be one of her nice shirts. Then she wore it to the studio “just for a minute.”
She held up the next one. Paint along the hem.
“Well, damn. Does everything I own belong to that studio?”
She ran an upholstery and home-goods business in Chicago, and it had apparently taken over her dresser. Most days, she dressed for fabric scraps, furniture, school pickups, and whatever needed cooking when she got home. She had three children and a business to keep moving. A shirt she could get dirty made sense. A whole wardrobe chosen around what she could get done in it was starting to bother her.
The week before, she had protected an hour for herself instead of finding more work to fill it. She wanted another hour. This time, she wanted to do something she enjoyed.
At the back of a drawer, underneath the work shirts, she found her swimsuit.
“Oh. I used to love you.”
She remembered floating. The quiet when her ears slipped below the water. Moving her arms without carrying a child, a grocery bag, or somebody’s chair cushion. She wanted that again.
She tried on the suit. It fit. But in the mirror, her attention went straight to her stomach. She pulled at the fabric, turned sideways, then pulled again. Now she was imagining the walk from the changing room to the pool and wondering who would be looking.
Maybe she should get herself together first. Get in better shape. Find something that covered more. What had started as a desire to swim was becoming a list of things to fix before she could go.
Later, on a call with Micah, she told him about the suit, the mirror, and the swimming she was already talking herself out of.
“Do you want to go?” he asked.
“That was not the part I was struggling with.”
“I’d like to take you,” he said.
She wanted that. She wanted him beside her, teasing her about taking too long to get in. But Micah was incarcerated. They could talk about an afternoon together; they could not make it happen. Sometimes his tenderness made her feel his absence more sharply.
“I wish you could.”
Neither of them hurried to make that sound easier.
After the call, she still wanted the water. She was afraid that enjoying herself alone would make the missing smaller, as though that would say something about her love. She was also tired of waiting for every good feeling to arrive with him.
When she brought it to her coaching session, she could see both things holding her back. She was waiting for a body she felt better about showing and an afternoon Micah could share. In the meantime, the woman in that swimsuit was still waiting to get in the water.
“Can I enjoy being in my body now, without making it another project?”
Your Session Begins
When you look at your body, do you see yourself, or do you start making a list?
The stomach. The arms. The part you want to cover before you leave the house. The thing you would change if you had the money, the time, the energy. You can get so busy considering what other people might see that you never get around to asking what you want to feel.
Raven wanted the water. By the time she finished looking in the mirror, she had assigned herself work.
Some of us know that routine. We want to dance, but first we need to lose something. We want to be touched, but first we need to hide something. We want to wear the outfit, but first we need to become the woman we believe is allowed to wear it.
Baby, how much of your life is waiting on this other woman to arrive?
I’m asking because your body is where you are living right now. You have work you do in it, people you love in it, mornings you get through in it. I want there to be something you enjoy in it, too.
You can want change without postponing every good thing
You may have things you want to change about your body. You may want more strength, less pain, clothes that fit differently, or help with something that has been bothering you. Those wants belong in the conversation.
So does the woman who would like to enjoy this afternoon.
I am not going to give you another assignment called Love Every Inch of Yourself. Some days you may feel beautiful. Some days getting dressed may bring up every ugly thing somebody ever said about your body. You do not have to settle all of that before choosing something comfortable to wear or spending time doing something you like.
Raven’s swimsuit fit. Her hesitation came from what she thought being seen in it would say about her. And she had started treating that fear as a reason to deny herself an experience she wanted.
That is worth noticing. It is also worth examining the conditions around the experience. A place where you feel unwelcome, a chair that hurts, or a pool you cannot safely get into will not become comfortable because somebody tells you to be confident. You may need a different setting, better access, company you trust, or more privacy.
Ask what would help you participate. Give that question at least as much attention as you give the question of what is wrong with you.
What does going swimming actually require
Let’s take Raven’s desire seriously enough to look at the details. She needs to check the pool’s hours and admission cost, arrange care for her children, and make sure she can get there and back. She needs a suit she can move in. Those are useful things to work out.
“First, I need to have a different stomach” can keep her out of the water indefinitely.
We do this with all kinds of pleasure. We add conditions that have very little to do with whether the thing is possible. We cannot go dancing until we look like somebody who dances. We cannot enjoy a meal without turning it into a review of how well we are managing ourselves. Even a quiet afternoon can come with a requirement to finish the entire house first.
I’m a mother of six. If we are waiting for everything in the house to be finished, we might want to bring a chair.
What would your experience actually require? Is there money to find? An agreement to make? Something you need to ask about access or safety? Be specific. A real constraint deserves a real response. It should not disappear under a speech about choosing yourself.
But when the requirement is that you become a more acceptable woman first, I want us to stop and examine who set that standard, and whether we agree with it.
You can miss him and still get in the water
Then there is the other part of Raven’s question. She wants Micah. His voice matters to her. So does the fact that she cannot reach over and touch him when the call ends.
We do not need to rush past that loneliness to make a point about independence.
You might want your person there. You might want the trip, the dinner, the afternoon to be something you share. Enjoying a version of it on your own may not satisfy that particular longing. It does not have to.
What I want you to consider is whether the longing has become a rule about everything else you are allowed to enjoy.
If Raven laughs at the pool, she will still miss Micah. If the water feels good against her skin, she will still wish he were beside her. Her pleasure does not report back on how much she loves him.
And yours does not have to, either.
There are experiences you may choose to save for someone. There are others you can have with a friend, with your children, or by yourself. You get to make that choice. I want it to include what you need today, as well as what you hope to share later.
Give one desire a workable place this week
Choose something you would like to experience in your body. Start with what you actually want: swimming, dancing, a comfortable place to sit outside, a meal you have time to taste, affection you welcome.
Then write these three sentences:
1. I want to experience ______.
2. To make that possible, I need ______.
3. The condition I keep adding is ______.
Look at your answers before you decide what comes next. You may need to check a price, ask about accessibility, or make a care arrangement. You may discover that the practical pieces are already there and you are waiting for permission you keep refusing yourself.
Choose one manageable next step. If the experience does not fit this week, name what would have to change. You can keep the desire without pretending the resources are there.
And when you do try it, pay attention to how it feels. You are allowed to enjoy it, adjust it, or decide it is not for you. We are building a mothering practice with room for the woman living it. You get to learn what that woman likes.
Back at Raven’s House
Raven checked the pool’s hours and cost. She confirmed care for the children and put the visit on her calendar. She wore the swimsuit she already owned.
At the pool, she still tugged at the fabric over her stomach. She still wondered who might be looking. Then she stepped into the water and felt it rise around her waist. She lowered her shoulders, pushed away from the side, and let herself float.
For a little while, she paid more attention to how her body felt than how it looked.
Back home, June asked whether she won.
“Baby, it wasn’t a race.”
“So what did you do?”
“Swam. Floated around. Had a good time.”
Raven hung the suit to dry. She wanted to tell Micah about it. She wished he could have been there. She also wanted to go again.
The next visit still needed a place in the week and a care arrangement. She opened her calendar and looked for an afternoon she could make work.
Looking for More?
Continue the Conversation
Last week, Raven began protecting an hour for herself. Read Rest Is a Love Language: How Am I Not on My Own List? to follow the conversation that brought her here.
Explore Raven’s character profile and Micah’s character profile in the IMverse.
Further Reading and Viewing
These books and a film offer different ways to explore body image, love, and life around incarceration.
The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love, second edition, by Sonya Renee Taylor. Reflection and practical exercises connect body shame with race, gender, disability, and collective liberation.
Fearing the Black Body: The Racial Origins of Fat Phobia by Sabrina Strings. This historical study examines how racism, gender, and anti-fatness shaped beauty ideals.
Doing Time Together: Love and Family in the Shadow of the Prison by Megan Comfort. Research with women visiting partners at San Quentin examines how imprisonment affects intimacy, family life, and the women outside.
Time (2020), directed by Garrett Bradley. This documentary follows Sibil Fox Richardson and her family during her effort to secure her husband’s release, bringing together home videos and present-day footage.
Content note for Time: incarceration, robbery, prolonged family separation, and emotional distress.
Before You Go…
Wanted is the digital publication for women who are both desired and on the run — women with vision, appetite, history, and somewhere to be.
Every week, you’ll get a little inspiration, a little conversation, and a little social commentary.
Join Wanted
A free digital publication for women who are both desired and on the run.
A Few Questions You Might Be Asking
Do I have to love how my body looks before I enjoy it?
You do not have to settle every feeling about your body before choosing something comfortable or doing something you enjoy. Ask what would help you participate today.
What if money, childcare, or access gets in the way?
Take those constraints seriously. Check the cost, make the care arrangement, and ask about access or safety. If the experience does not fit this week, name what would need to change.
Can I enjoy myself and still miss my partner?
Yes. Enjoying an afternoon does not erase the person you wish were beside you. You can make room for both feelings.
Is Raven a real coaching client?
No. Raven and her family are fictional IMverse characters, not a client case study. The illustrations were created with AI to bring this fictional world to life.
About the Blogger
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake.
The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
Follow her on Instagram: @infamous.mothers