“Building a Real Mothering Practice — Not a Performance”

There’s a version of motherhood so many of us inherited that had nothing to do with truth and everything to do with performance. Smile. Cook. Serve. Don’t complain. Don’t rest. Don’t break. Don’t ask for help. And whatever you do, don’t let anybody think you’re slipping.

That version of motherhood almost broke me.
Literally.

The Sunday Dinner That Almost Took Me Out

Where I come from, Sunday dinner was a full ritual. I’m talking tender pot roast, cheesy macaroni, meaty spaghetti, cornbread that tasted like a warm hug, and a salad that only existed to make it all look healthy.

When I moved to Madison with a handful of kids, grad school deadlines, and a whole new life to figure out, I wanted to bring that tradition with me. I wanted my babies to have the same sense of home I grew up with.

But Sunday became a battlefield.

🔥 Sunday was hair day.
🔥 Sunday was laundry day.
🔥 Sunday was homework day.
🔥 Sunday was “catch up on life before Monday” day.

By the time I finished everything I had to do, I had nothing left to give.

But I kept pushing anyway.
Because part of me believed that’s what “good Black mothers” do.

I was already living in a predominantly white city, already raising Black children in a place that didn’t feel like home, already carrying the weight of representing “us” in a place with very few of “us.”

I wasn’t trying to lose my Black card on top of everything else.

Then I read a line that punched me in the chest:

🔥 I wasn’t building a mothering practice. I was performing motherhood.

And suddenly, everything made sense.

SIDE BAR: 💭 “A Moment for You”

Take a breath, sis.
Unclench your jaw.
Drop your shoulders.

Ask yourself:

What part of me needs care right now?
What part of me needs permission?
What part of me needs softness?

Whatever the answer is —
it’s valid, it matters, and it belongs in your mothering practice.

Quick Fix Sundays Saved My Sanity

So I switched it up.
Quick Fix Sundays became our thing.

Pizza.
Sandwiches.
Air fryer magic.
Cereal if necessary.
Nothing that required more than 10 minutes in the kitchen.

🔥 Because I needed time back.
🔥 Because I needed to mother from my reality, not my guilt.
🔥 Because I needed to stop performing and start being present.

And guess what?

My kids didn’t lose anything.
But I gained everything.

This is what makes a mother infamous:
She refuses to trade her well-being for an image.

Are You Mothering… or Martyring?

Mothers are some of the most judged people on earth.

✔ If we work too much, we’re neglectful.
✔ If we stay home, we lack ambition.
✔ If we rest, we’re selfish.
✔ If we sacrifice everything, we’re still unappreciated.

So we try to hit the “least judged” middle.
We perform motherhood like it’s a role we were cast in.

We cook the meals.
We clean the house.
We smile through exhaustion.
We make it look easy.
We pretend the pressure isn’t suffocating us.

And the whole time, we are drowning quietly.

That’s not mothering.
That’s martyring.

Infamous Mothering says:

🔥 A mothering practice is built on truth and alignment — not performance and pain.

The 10-Year Vision Test

Ask a mother where she sees her kids in 10 years and she’ll paint you a whole masterpiece.

“My daughter will graduate.”
“My son will be traveling the world.”
My baby will be a leader.”

But ask her about herself?

Silence.
A blank canvas.
Or a shrug.

And that’s the problem.How is she raising children to dream while she forgot she’s allowed to?

A mothering practice MUST include the mother. Otherwise, it’s not a practice — it’s an erasure.

Whether your dream is soft living or empire building…
You belong in the vision.

“The ‘Good Mother’ Myth That I Reject Completely.”

The “Perfect Mother” Illusion

We all know her.

The curated Instagram mom with the spotless home, hand-braided kids, matching outfits, color-coded snacks, and a lifestyle that screams, “I’ve mastered it.”

If you’re not careful, she’ll make you feel like a failure.

So we perform.

🔥 We post the highlights.
🔥 We tuck away the breakdowns.
🔥 We pretend we’re holding it together when we’re unraveling.

But here’s the truth:

Motherhood was never meant to be perfect. It was meant to be real.

The “Good Mother” Myth That I Reject Completely

Some years ago, I read an article that shook me.

A woman—already drowning with multiple children—was asked by a loving church couple if she’d consider adoption for her newborn. They saw her struggle. They cared. They wanted to help.

She refused. She was offended.
And weeks later… she did something unthinkable.
She placed her baby in a microwave and killed her.

When asked why she didn’t give the child up, her answer was this:

🔥 “I didn’t want to seem like a bad mother.”

Let that sit in your chest.

The performance of “good mother” meant more to her than life itself.
That is how violently motherhood performance can distort us.

I’m not here to be a “good mother.”
That’s a title for spectators.

🔥 I’m here to be an infamous mother — honest, human, aligned, choosing myself AND my children instead of sacrificing one for the other.

How to Build a Mothering Practice That Works For You

✔ 1. Define What Success Looks Like — For YOU

Not your mother.
Not your auntie.
Not your followers.
YOU.

What does your life actually need?
What do your days require?
What rhythm feels good to your mind and body?

Build your home around that — not someone else’s expectations.

✔ 2. Build a Practice — Not a Performance

Mothering is not a role to perfect.
It’s a practice you grow.

🔥 Practice presence.
🔥 Practice repair.
🔥 Practice honesty.
🔥 Practice rest.
🔥 Practice evolution.

Let your children see you becoming — not pretending.

✔ 3. Mother in Community — Not Isolation

Infamous mothers know:

🔥 Asking for help is wisdom.
🔥 Delegation is strategy.
🔥 Community is survival.
🔥 Support is sacred.

You were never meant to do this alone.

✔ 4. Drop the Guilt — Choose Growth

Guilt freezes you.
Growth frees you.

Every day is a new chance to shift, adjust, recalibrate, or start over.
That’s practice.

Dr. Sagashus inviting you into the IMverse through the Wanted Newsletter or coaching.

A Call to Action: Reclaim Yourself Inside Your Mothering

Choose ONE way to reclaim yourself this week.

🔥 An hour for yourself.
🔥 Asking for help.
🔥 Saying no to something draining.
🔥 Releasing a lie about what “good mothers” do.
🔥 Choosing truth over performance.

You don’t have to fake motherhood.
🔥 You just have to make it yours.

Your children don’t need a performance.
They need a human who shows up whole, honest, imperfect, and unafraid to choose herself.

That’s not good mothering.
That’s Infamous Mothering.

Recommended Reading (Herstory Books by Black Women)

Add these to your shelf — or your mother coffee table stack:

📚 “Beloved” — Toni Morrison
📚 “The Joys of Motherhood” — Buchi Emecheta
📚 “Sister Outsider” — Audre Lorde

📚 “Wild Seed” — Octavia Butler

📚 Breathe: A Letter to My Sons — Imani Perry

📚 A Pot to P*ss In — Sagashus Levingston, PhD

FAQ SECTION: Infamous Mothering + Redefining Success

Q: What exactly is a “mothering practice”?

A mothering practice is an intentional rhythm you create — one that centers truth, alignment, wellbeing, and connection.
It’s not a performance, a role, or an image.
It’s the day-to-day choices that support you so you can support your children without losing yourself.

A practice grows with you.
A performance drains you.

Q: How do I know if I’m performing motherhood instead of practicing it?

You may be performing if:

you feel guilty resting
you’re exhausted but keep pushing
you’re trying to avoid judgment
you feel like you’re “on stage” in your own home
you’re mothering from rules instead of your real needs
you’re doing things because “good mothers do this,” not because you want to

If motherhood feels like a job evaluation instead of a relationship, you’re performing.

Q: Why do so many mothers fall into martyring?

Because society teaches women — especially Black mothers — that their value comes from endless sacrifice.
We inherit scripts like:

Don’t complain.
Don’t rest.
Don’t ask for help.
Don’t slip.
Don’t be seen struggling.

But martyrdom is not love.
Martyrdom is erasure.
And it passes burnout, resentment, and perfectionism down to our children.

**Q: What does an aligned mothering practice look like?**

It looks like:

asking for help
resting without guilt
building routines that honor your capacity
practicing repair, not perfection
choosing presence over performing “good mother”
making decisions based on your real life, not social media

Aligned mothering feels like exhaling — not bracing.

Q: How do I include myself in the mothering vision?

Ask yourself the same questions you ask about your children:

What do I need?
Who do I want to become?
What dreams am I allowed to hold?

A mothering practice that excludes the mother is not a practice — it’s a disappearance.

You belong in your own future.

ABOUT THE BLOGGER

Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.

Follow her on Instagram: @infamous.mothers

Building a Real Mothering Practice — Not a Performance