When Resilience Goes Wrong – Built or Burnt by the Fire of Life
A statuesque woman with chocolate skin, bronze-tipped waist-length locs, and slanted eyes stands against fiery flames. Her arm and shoulder glow with ember-like burn scars, luminous rather than grotesque, symbolizing resilience and its costs. She looks both regal and weary, embodying strength marked by fire.
Resilience is supposed to make us better. We’re told that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, sharper, wiser. But what happens when it doesn’t? What happens when resilience doesn’t refine you—but reduces you?
Because, let’s keep it 100, some of us didn’t just survive; we warped. We bent in ways we were never meant to. We toughened up in places that should have stayed soft. We were hammered on, twisted, and pulled so much that by the time we made it out, pieces of our identity were stomped out.
This is what happens when resilience goes wrong.
🔥 When the Fire Weakens Instead of Strengthens
Fire doesn’t just purify, clarify, and define—it burns.
And it’s highly unlikely that anyone can go through a forging process—one that uses heat and pressure to refine and shape—without getting burned.
Blisters. First-degree burns. Second-degree burns. Some of us have third-degree burns so deep they’ve distorted us in some places beyond recognition.
This is what happens when resilience goes wrong.
We’re told that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger—but sometimes, what doesn’t kill you scars you. Sometimes, survival doesn’t shape you into a sharper version of yourself—it warps you into something you were never meant to be.
Signs You Were Burned Instead of Built:
🔥You’ve mistaken survival for healing. → You got through it, and you think that making to the other side is enough. You’re seared and scorched in places you’re not even aware of.
🔥You wear your struggle like a badge of honor—but it’s an infection. → You take pride in how much you’ve endured, but struggle has become an open wound that you don’t know how to let heal.
🔥You’re unbreakable, but you’re also exhausted. → You’ve been carrying so much, staying under pressure for so long, that you don’t know how to set anything down. Rest feels foreign—maybe even unsafe.
🔥You don’t trust ease. → If it’s not hard, you assume something’s wrong.
🔥You’ve adapted to pain, not freedom. → You know how to function in struggle, but thriving feels foreign. And you resist and sabotage it.
This is what happens when resilience turns into endurance with no relief.
A tall, fit woman with caramel-colored skin, wide-legged jeans, and a cropped top stands encircled by glowing fiery chains. Her messy bun and loose strands frame her face as she grips a chain with determination. Her expression is fierce yet feminine, embodying both defiance and resilience as flames surround her.
🔥 What Happens When You’ve Been Reshaped Without Your Consent
When you go through enough fires, you change—sometimes in ways you never agreed to. You don’t just come out stronger; sometimes, you come out different in ways that you, yourself don’t quite understand, see or know.
🚨 You were once open, now you’re guarded.
🚨 You were once trusting, now you hesitate.
🚨 You were once vibrant, now you play it safe.
Some of us are walking around as altered versions of ourselves, shaped not by our values, dreams, and vision but by what we’ve been through. In fact, oftentimes, those values, dreams, and visions are distorted— if we are not careful— by the pressure of the furnace. Instead of coming out with newfound clarity and resolve, we come out afraid, traumatized, and anxious. We vow never to go through the fire again “by any means necessary.” And before we know it, we are compromising our integrity, mission, plans, strategy, relationships, etc.
And if we don’t recognize what the process has done to us, we’ll keep walking in the version of ourselves that pain built—not the version we were meant to become.
A comic book realism style illustration of a therapy session between two women in their 30s. The therapist, a striking woman with onyx-colored skin, long wild curly hair, and glasses, wears a pencil skirt, stiletto heels, a blazer, and a bold t-shirt that reads “Apologize for What?”. She holds a notepad and listens attentively to her client. Across from her sits a woman with peanut butter-colored skin, a short pixie cut, hoop earrings, fitted jeans, an off-the-shoulder sweater, and sneakers. Outside the office window, flames rage in vivid orange and red, while inside the room glows with calm, soft light. The contrast symbolizes therapy as a strategy and safe space amid the chaos and pressure of life’s fires.
🔥 How to Prepare for the Next Fire & Repair the Damage From the Last One
Because here’s the truth: The fire will come again. Life will test you again. Pressure’s going to return.
So the question isn’t if you’ll go through another round, a different round—it’s how you’ll go through it.
🔥 Control Your Narrative & Check In With Yourself. Journaling helps you stay grounded when everything around you feels unstable. Instead of focusing on the hardships, write your way to the outcomes you want.
🔥 Go to Therapy & Strategize. Talk to someone who is paid to sit with you for an hour each week. Use that time as you need to use it to help you find your way.
🔥 Take Rest & Pleasure Seriously. The fire will demand everything from you—but you don’t have to give it all away. Steal moments of peace, joy, and comfort for yourself, even if you have to fight for them.
🔥 Distance Yourself from People Who Intensify the Flames. Some people fuel the fire instead of helping you through it. Cut them off if you have to—at least for a season. You can always revisit the relationship later.
An illustration of a powerful phoenix with fiery wings ascending from burning flames below into a calm, starry sky above. The bird glows in shades of orange and gold, embodying resilience, healing, and transcendence.
How to Recover from the Last Fire
The fire may be over, but its impact lingers. Healing isn’t just about therapy, journaling, and rest—it’s also about recognizing where the flames left their mark.
🔥 Where have you become guarded? → What parts of you shut down to protect yourself?
🔥 Where have you hardened? → Are you mistaking defensiveness for strength?
🔥 Where are you still playing small? → Did the fire make you doubt your own power?
🔥 Where are you rejecting help? → Are you holding onto independence so tightly that you can’t receive support?
🔥 Where has survival replaced joy? → Have you been so focused on making it through that you forgot how to live?
🔥 Where do you still feel burned? → What emotional, mental, or physical wounds haven’t healed yet?
💡 Recovery isn’t just about moving forward—it’s about reclaiming the parts of you that got burned along the way so that those pieces can rise like a phoenix.
🔥 The fire may have shaped you, but you decide what stays and what goes. Choose what you take with you. Leave the rest in the ashes.
A confident woman with an asymmetrical bob and wrap-around skirt stands at the water’s edge. In one hand she holds fire, in the other water. Behind her, the sky fades from fiery orange into cool blue, symbolizing balance and harmony.
🔥 This Is the Work: Becoming Fireproof, Not Fire-Hardened
Resilience shouldn’t erase you. It shouldn’t leave you so changed that you don’t recognize yourself anymore.
🔥 You don’t just want to be fireproof—you want to be fire-forged.
🔥 You don’t just want to survive—you want to come out of every challenge sharper, truer, and more fully yourself.
🔥 The Real Question: What Did the Fire Take from You—And How Do You Get It Back?
🚨 Where have you been shaped in ways you didn’t consent to?
🚨 Where have you been surviving instead of thriving?
🚨 What part of yourself do you need to reclaim before the next fire comes?
Because the next fire is coming. But this time? You decide how you walk through it.
Dr. Sagashus inviting you into the IMverse through the Wanted Newsletter or coaching.
Invitation to Coaching
If reading this stirred something in you — if you recognized yourself in the scars, the bending, the survival, the fight — then you already know: the next fire will come. The question is, will you walk into it alone, or with tools, strategies, and support that help you rise sharper, truer, and more fully yourself?
That’s where my coaching comes in.
Through the I.N.F.A.M³.O.U.S. Method℠, I help women move from survival to thriving, from being fire-hardened to truly fire-forged. Together, we’ll do the work of:
✔ Reclaiming the parts of you the fire tried to erase
✔ Building resilience without losing softness or joy
✔ Creating strategies that keep you aligned with your values, vision, and power
Because you don’t just want to endure the fire. You want to walk through it transformed.
To learn more, visit here.
But also…
Listen. If this word spoke to you, don’t just leave it here. Carry it with you. Wanted is where we keep the good tea flowing — a reminder every week that you are desired, you are dangerous, and you belong. It’s where we keep you updated on current events across the IMverse, including the Without Apology Tour. And it’s where we introduce new stories, people, and dirty words.
👉🏾 Join Wanted today.
ABOUT THE BLOGGER
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
Follow her on Instagram: @infamous.mothers