Mothers as Heroes and Villains: Redefining Motherhood on Our Own Terms

When people ask me, "What is an Infamous Mother?" I often chuckle before answering.

Because before I give them the safe or fascinating response, the thought that creeps into my mind is usually this:

"We're the moms you love to hate."

Now, I—Dr. Sagashus—don’t believe that (smile). But my alter ego, with her sharp wit and unapologetic spirit, does. And I think what she is really saying is that we are the mothers who are damned if we do, and damned if we don’t.

If we stay in our struggle, we are judged.
If we overcome, we are envied, resented—and still judged.

We are the women people admire and critique in the same breath. The ones who defy expectations, break cycles, and refuse to disappear—no matter what we have been through.

Because what truly makes us infamous is not just our past, our choices, or even our ambition.

It’s our resilience.

It’s the way we rise after being counted out. It’s the way we build after being told there was nothing left for us. It’s the way we refuse to let the world’s expectations define how we mother, lead, and live.

The Motherhood Maze

The Double Standard of Motherhood

For many of us, motherhood comes with an impossible contradiction:

If we struggle, we are blamed for not providing enough.
If we succeed, we are blamed for wanting too much.

If we are single mothers, we are told we made bad choices.
If we marry, we are told we expect too much.

If we sacrifice ourselves completely, we are praised—but only until we break.
If we dare to prioritize ourselves, we are labeled selfish.

It’s a never-ending game of “too much” and “not enough.”

And at some point, every mother must decide: Whose rules am I playing by?

Pouring from a full pitcher

Making Peace with Mothering on Your Own Terms

For the mothers who feel like they are constantly trying to prove themselves—this is your reminder:

You do not need permission to mother in a way that honors you.

Motherhood is not just about what you give to others. It is also about what you give to yourself.

A healthy mothering practice is one that:

• Recognizes you as part of the household, not just the caretaker of it.

• Allows you to pursue joy, ambition, and rest—without guilt.

• Challenges the belief that martyrdom is the price of good motherhood.

Because the truth is, a mother who takes care of herself is not just stronger—she is more present, more fulfilled, and more capable of leading a family where everyone thrives.

Silenced

The Hero-Villain Complex: Owning Our Fullness

The world loves to make mothers one-dimensional.

We are expected to be either the struggling mother who inspires pity or the superwoman who needs nothing.

And when we refuse to fit into those roles—when we embrace both our strength and our softness, our ambition and our nurturing, our past and our future—we become too complex for them to understand.

But motherhood is not meant to be simple.

We are heroes and villains, depending on who you ask.

To some, we are too independent, too ambitious, too bold.
To others, we are the proof that survival is possible.

And to ourselves? We are everything.

We are the women who mother fiercely, love unapologetically, and show up for ourselves as much as we show up for others.

We are the women who refuse to be boxed in.

My Rules…My Transformation

Final Thought: Redefining Motherhood for Ourselves

At the end of the day, motherhood is not a performance. It is not about proving anything to a world that will judge you either way.

It is about choosing yourself and your family in a way that feels true.

It is about building a mothering practice that honors everyone in your household—including you.

And when you do that?

They can call you a hero.
They can call you a villain.

But what matters most is that you know exactly who you are.

ABOUT THE BLOGGER

Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.

Follow her on Instagram: @infamous.mothers