Ain’t Enough Ocean for All This
Between me and you, tell the truth.
That vacation you keep imagining—are you imagining adventure, or are you imagining escape?
If it’s adventure, by all means, carry on. Go see something you’ve never seen. Eat something you can’t pronounce. Find out what the world has waiting for you.
But if it’s escape, let’s talk about it.
What are you trying to get away from? Before you say “everything,” sit with that for a minute. Is it the work? The bills? Being the person everybody comes to when something needs fixing? Is it waking up already responsible, spending the day solving problems, and falling into bed exhausted—only to do it again tomorrow?
Maybe you haven’t booked anything. You don’t have the time. You don’t have the money, even though you’re working all the time. Getting away would mean finding somebody to handle what you handle, figuring out how to pay for it, and doing enough work beforehand to make your absence possible. By the time you finish thinking through what it would take to leave, you need a break from planning the break.
Still, you imagine it. Somewhere beautiful. Somewhere you could wake up and decide what you feel like doing before somebody tells you what needs to be done. Somewhere the day might offer you something before it asks you for something.
Of course you want to go.
But what do you need that vacation to do for you? What would you finally get to feel? And why has getting away become the only place you can imagine feeling it?
What Does the Beach Have That Your Tuesday Doesn’t?
Picture the morning you keep imagining. You open your eyes, and there is no immediate problem to solve. Nobody is asking where something is. You aren’t reaching for your phone to find out what happened while you were asleep. Maybe you stay in bed a little longer. Maybe you get up and have breakfast while the food is still hot.
There’s an ocean outside, and that’s lovely. But would the morning still feel good if the view were less spectacular and you had the same freedom to enjoy it?
That might tell you something.
Maybe the water is part of what you want. Maybe you genuinely love travel. But perhaps what makes the image so irresistible is that you get to be there without managing everything around you. Somebody else washed the towels. Somebody else made the food. You can enjoy the room without mentally keeping track of what needs to happen next.
For a woman who spends her days anticipating everybody’s needs, being somewhere she doesn’t have to anticipate anything can feel like luxury all by itself.
Think about how much work goes into the good moments at home. You want dinner with your people, so you figure out what everybody will eat, buy the groceries, and make the meal. You sit down, but part of your attention is still on who needs something and what has to be cleaned afterward. You’re in the moment, technically. You’re also employed by it.
The same thing can happen with a family outing, a holiday, or an evening that was supposed to be relaxing. Everybody gets an experience. You get an experience and a job.
So maybe what you’re imagining is being able to participate in your own life without overseeing it. Maybe you want to enjoy your children, your partner, your home, or your own company with enough attention left to notice that you’re enjoying them.
Before we prescribe a trip, we need to understand that longing. The beach may be showing you something your Tuesday needs.
When Getting Through the Day Becomes Your Life
Some of us have gotten very good at making things work. The money is short, and we find a way. Somebody doesn’t show up, and we cover the gap. Something breaks, and we figure out what can wait so we can handle what can’t.
That ability has mattered. There are children fed, bills paid, and opportunities created because we refused to give up. We get to be proud of what we’ve done.
But look at what happens when finding a way becomes the expectation.
Another request arrives, and you’re already rearranging your day before you’ve considered whether you have anything left to give. Another expense appears, and you reach for the money you were trying to save. Somebody forgets something, and you remember it for them. Each adjustment seems manageable on its own. Together, they take the hours, dollars, and attention you thought might finally belong to you.
Everybody sees that it got handled. Fewer people see what you gave up to handle it. Sometimes you don’t stop long enough to see it either. You finish one thing and move straight into the next because pausing won’t make the next thing disappear.
Then night comes. You’re tired, but there is still something to do before you can sleep. When you finally lie down, tomorrow is already waiting in your head.
You’re working hard enough to be exhausted. Are you getting anywhere that makes the exhaustion less likely?
That’s the question we need to ask. A woman can become more capable every year while having no more room to live. She gets faster at solving problems, better at stretching money, and more dependable under pressure. Yet the pressure stays.
Eventually, she begins imagining a place where nobody knows how dependable she is. Somewhere she wouldn’t automatically become the person who handles it.
No wonder leaving sounds good.
SIDE BAR: You Can Love Your Life and Want a Different Way to Live It
You can love your children and need somebody else to think about dinner. You can be proud of your business and be tired of what it takes to keep it moving. You can appreciate your home and wish you had more time to enjoy being in it.
Those truths can exist together. You don’t have to prove your gratitude by staying quiet about the cost.
Sometimes caring for the life you’ve built means changing how it works. You’re allowed to begin that conversation while you still love what you have, before exhaustion turns every request into something you resent.
Why Working More Hasn’t Given You More Room
There is another reason the imagined vacation can feel so far away: you’re working all the time, and you still can’t afford it.
You look at your account after a full week and wonder where the evidence of all that effort went. The money came in, but so did the bills. Something unexpected took what was left. Or you spent the week working on your business, only to realize that most of what kept you busy never turned into payment.
Now somebody is telling you to hustle harder.
Where, exactly, are you supposed to put the additional hustle?
For a woman building a business, this is where we have to examine what she does all day. Preparing an offer, making a flyer, posting, researching, and answering questions can all have a purpose. But if those activities fill the week while conversations with buyers, clear invitations to purchase, and collecting payment keep getting postponed, she can work herself into the ground without improving her income.
She needs a clearer connection between the effort and the money. What is she offering? Who needs it? What does she earn after accounting for what it takes to deliver? Which next action could lead to getting paid?
A woman working for wages may be facing a different reality. Her hours produce income, but the income barely covers what her household needs. More hours might help with this month’s bill while taking away the time she needs to care for herself, be with her family, or pursue a change that could improve things later.
Neither woman needs us to pretend there is an easy answer. She needs us to look honestly at what keeps happening.
Is the income enough? Is work going unpaid? Does every increase get absorbed by another responsibility? Is she spending money to solve problems that keep returning? What would allow some of her effort to create breathing room instead of only getting her through the next day?
Money matters here because it affects her choices. So does help she can count on. An extra hour only becomes useful if somebody else can hold what usually happens in it. A day off only feels restful if she isn’t spending it worrying about what will be waiting when she returns.
Relief needs something underneath it.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about Icarus and making better wings. This is one place that idea becomes practical: looking at what needs to carry the woman, rather than continually asking the woman to carry more. Reliable childcare, better-paid work, shared responsibility, and a way to stop solving the same problem every week can change what is possible for her.
Some of that support may take time to build. Naming it still matters. It gives her something more useful to work toward than another promise to try harder.
What Would Let You Exhale Here?
Come back to the morning by the water. What made it feel good?
If it was being able to eat without interruption, start there. If it was having somebody take care of you, name that. If it was knowing you didn’t have to respond immediately to every request, pay attention to what makes that difficult at home. If it was peace and quiet, let that thought settle for a moment.
We don’t need to turn every desire into a miniature version of a resort. We need to understand what you’re asking the resort to give you.
Perhaps the first useful change is another adult owning a responsibility from beginning to end. That includes remembering, deciding, and following through. If you still have to plan the meal, remind somebody to make it, and answer questions throughout, you may have handed over the cooking while keeping the job of managing dinner.
Perhaps you need an honest conversation about availability. People have grown used to reaching you at any time, and you have grown used to responding. Changing that expectation will require more than silencing the phone once. You’ll need to decide when you’re available and give the boundary enough consistency for people—and you—to begin trusting it.
Or perhaps the pressure is financial enough that the next move needs to focus on income. A payment to collect. A conversation about compensation. A business activity to reconsider because it takes hours without producing enough return.
The change should meet the actual need. Otherwise, we add another pleasant activity to an already crowded day and wonder why “self-care” feels like more work.
You may also discover that some help isn’t available right now. That is real. A woman can ask clearly and still hear no. She can understand what she needs and still lack the money to pay for it. In that situation, the question becomes what she can reasonably keep carrying under those conditions, and what she needs to build toward.
Her limits deserve a place in the decisions, too.
Give the Longing Somewhere to Go
Take ten minutes with your journal or notes app. Let the imagined vacation help you answer three questions:
What am I trying to escape?
What am I hoping to feel?
What would make some of that possible here?
Be honest enough to get specific. “Everything” may describe how overwhelmed you feel, but “I am tired of making every decision in this house” gives you something to address. “I want peace” is a beginning; “I want an evening when I’m not responsible for what happens next” tells you more about the help you need.
Choose one answer and make one decision from it. Have the conversation. Look at the money. Ask for a particular responsibility to move. Identify the support you need to find.
Then notice what happens. Did you gain time? Did the person take ownership? Did you get a chance to enjoy the space, or did another obligation immediately claim it? That information helps you make the next decision.
You don’t have to redesign your entire life tonight. You can begin giving the woman who lives it a voice in how it works.
A Random Wednesday Counts, Too
That vacation you’re imagining—adventure or escape?
Maybe it’s both. You want to see the world, and you want some relief. Tell the truth about that. But if escape is doing most of the talking, listen before you dismiss the whole desire as something you can’t afford.
There may be a request inside it that deserves your attention now: care, quiet, choice, help, pleasure. Some experience of being alive that reaches beyond keeping things moving.
Whole woman living asks us to build toward a life we don’t have to leave to get some relief. That can take time, money, cooperation, and decisions that are difficult to make. The woman still belongs in the plan while the work is happening. Her needs don’t have to wait for the finished version of her life.
So yes, I hope you take the trip if that’s what you want. I also want something for you before you ever board a plane: a random Wednesday when you eat something good, laugh without rushing, and discover that the day has room for you.
Mothers, not martyrs. We live whole now.
Go Deeper With Infamous Mothers
For women building businesses, the 90-Day Revenue Jumpstart™ brings a Revenue Plan and a Whole Woman Plan into the same conversation. We look at how money comes in, what earning it requires, and what you want that money to make possible in your life.
Perhaps you want to pay for help, stop accepting every opportunity out of urgency, or have more time to enjoy the people you love. Those desires help give the revenue work a purpose—and keep the woman doing the work in view.
Looking for More?
Continue the Conversation
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Journal Support
Covet: The “Disrespectful” Health and Wellness Journal
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Dr. Sagashus inviting you into the IMverse through the Wanted Newsletter or coaching.
Before You Go…
Stay in this conversation through Wanted, our free digital publication for women with vision, appetite, history, and somewhere to be. We talk about money, motherhood, identity, pleasure, and what it takes to build a life that fits the woman you’re becoming.
FAQs
Does wanting to escape mean I don’t love my life?
You can love your people, value your work, and need a different way to manage your responsibilities. Identify what you want distance from rather than judging yourself for the feeling.
What if I can’t change much right now?
Choose a specific source of pressure and identify what would help. Some changes require resources you don’t yet have. Knowing what is missing can clarify what to seek and help you make more realistic decisions about additional commitments.
What if nobody helps when I ask?
Consider what their response tells you about the support available. You may need another source of help, a different approach, or a conversation about what you can continue doing without support.
How do I keep newly available time from becoming more work?
Decide what you want the time to hold. When another demand appears, consider it against that intention rather than automatically giving the time away. Your rest, enjoyment, and relationships deserve consideration in that decision.
What should I do first?
Finish this sentence: “When I imagine getting away, I imagine finally being able to ______.” Use your answer to identify one specific need you can begin addressing.
ABOUT THE BLOGGER
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
Follow her on Instagram: @infamous.mothers