The Transformational Power of Paying It Forward (Gratitude Series, Part 2)
Introduction
As we embrace the heart of the holiday season, we find inspiration in the incredible women who make up the Infamous Mothers community. Today, we delve into the remarkable story of Mistee, a single mother of two who has navigated the unique challenges of motherhood with grace, resilience, and an unwavering commitment to paying it forward.
A Different Kind of Infamy
In 2017, we published "Infamous Mothers: Women Who’ve Gone Through the Belly of Hell and Brought Something Good Back." We curated the stories of 19 women who identified themselves as Infamous Mothers. These women saw themselves as both desired and on the run for choosing to live life on their own terms, outside the conventional ideas of mainstream motherhood. In this collection, we featured several stories about women who overcame addiction to become college graduates, counselors, etc. We also collected stories about teen moms who became business owners and women who had lost their children to the system but fought to get them back, ultimately creating their dream lives. However, Mistee’s story was different.
Opening with this, “I am a single African-American mother of two children who have two different fathers, and I don’t have a typical 9-to-5 job to support my family,” her infamy was about having an “unconventional family” and making money through hustling, as opposed to working a regular full-time job. That’s what makes her on the run, or are the parts people judge about her. What makes her desired in this story is her commitment to paying it forward.
“For the last three years I do what I call ‘pay it forward’ and I either go into a grocery store and purchase someone’s groceries randomly, or if I’m out at a restaurant or something I pay for someone’s food. Because food is something we need to live...
I went to this restaurant called Five Loaves, and my mom, her boyfriend and I, and my children all went. And there was a couple next to us – a husband and wife – and we all end up interacting and talking and just having a good time at the restaurant.
So when the bill came I paid for everyone…including the couple that were sitting next to me. And the husband was like, ‘You don’t have to pay my bill. We have money. It’s okay. You know, I can do that.’ And I was like, ‘No, I want to do that. I enjoyed you all’s company and I want you just to pay it forward. Do something nice for someone else.’ And he was like, ‘Wow. Okay, I’m going to do that.’
I end up going back to the same restaurant – this is a couple of months later – and this man walks up to me and gives me $40. And I’m like, ‘What is this for?’ And he was like, ‘You don’t remember me.’ And I was like, ‘No.’ And so he was like, ‘My wife and I were here a few months ago and you bought our food.’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, I remember. Okay, how you doing?’ And he was like, ‘You told me to pay it forward and I hadn’t done it, so I’m paying it forward back to you. So here’s $40 for your meal.’ And I was like, ‘Wow, I appreciate that, thanks.’
There was another man sitting next to me and we were having small talk. And he was like, ‘What was that about?’ So I explained to him that I randomly pick people and buy their food, whether it’s at a grocery store or at a restaurant. And he was like, ‘Wow, I’ve heard of people doing stuff like that but I’ve never met anyone.’
We talked a little longer and he got called to his table – because we were in a waiting area. He wanted to go eat, and eventually I got called. So at the end of my daughter and I eating I asked the waitress for a to-go bag and my check. And she said, ‘Well, that man that you were talking to earlier he paid for your bill,’ – which was the guy that I was telling him about the pay it forward thing or whatever. And he got my bill. So he paid for my bill, and I had $40 in my pocket.
I believe that people should just live their life in gratitude and give. I’m a believer in giving and not holding on, because when you hold on to something you don’t allow something else to come in.”
Mistee’s story has so many important and incredible moments and lessons in it. One of those is this: paying it forward can be contagious in the best ways. It can be catchy, creating a culture of giving that extends ways beyond one person. But before we move on, just to be clear, let’s make sure we all understand what paying it forward means in this context.
Defining Paying It Forward
"Paying it forward" is a concept rooted in kindness and generosity, where an individual responds to a good deed or act of kindness they've received by extending a similar act of goodwill to someone else, often to a stranger. In essence, it involves repaying acts of kindness by performing acts of kindness for others, creating a chain reaction of positivity and goodwill. The idea is that the recipient of a good deed doesn't repay the benefactor directly but instead passes on the kindness to others, fostering a cycle of giving and creating a ripple effect of positive actions in the community. It's a way to spread compassion and make the world a better place through small, selfless acts of kindness.
Mistee's practice of paying it forward perfectly embodies this beautiful concept. When she covers the grocery bill for a stranger or treats someone to a meal, she not only responds to the kindness she has received but also sets in motion a sequence of events where the recipients of her generosity may be inspired to do something kind for others as well. This ripple effect of kindness can touch countless lives, creating a web of benevolence that transcends individual actions and contributes to a more compassionate and caring world.
Mimicry: Another Lesson From Mistee’s Paying It Forward
According to a Psychology Today article titled “Feeling Grateful and 'Paying it Forward': Does feeling grateful make us more likely to act like our benefactors?”, the writer discusses the distinction between 'indebtedness' and 'gratitude.' Herein lies the issue with the former: when people feel indebted, they sense an obligation to repay someone for their kindness, leading to a discomfort that may prompt them to avoid the person they owe.
On the other hand, gratitude encourages individuals to seek out the person who extended their kindness and fosters a desire to connect with them. This phenomenon is known as the "find, remind, and bind theory of gratitude." It operates in the following manner. Find: “Hey, do you remember me?” Remind: “You did something nice for me." Bind:"You changed my life. Now I want to talk to you more and learn from you. I want to bond with you." Additionally, there's another element called mimicry. As gratitude takes hold, individuals are inclined to impact others in the same positive manner.
Then, there's the moral affect theory. According to this theory, "gratitude is a moral affect similar to empathy, guilt, shame, etc." Consequently, gratitude can serve as a moral reinforcer, and when one party receives a benefit, they feel energized and motivated to act kindly towards others. The choice of language here is crucial. Instead of feeling obligated or pressured, individuals feel 'energized' and 'motivated,' resulting in positive outcomes. Gratitude has been proven to enhance commitment and strengthen the bond between two parties, increase word-of-mouth communication, and enhance relationship quality.
We may not be certain whether Mistee's experience at the restaurant aligns with the first or second theory, but the outcome remains consistent in either case. Her kindness inspired others to follow suit and pay it forward.
Beyond Money: The Transformative Power of Paying It Forward with Kindness and Empathy
"Paying it forward" is a concept often associated with financial generosity, but its true essence extends far beyond monetary transactions. It's about creating a ripple effect of kindness and positivity through our actions and interactions. Whether it's offering a helping hand, sharing valuable knowledge, lending emotional support, or simply spreading kindness through everyday gestures, paying it forward enriches our communities and lives in profound ways. It's the understanding that our smallest actions can have significant impacts, fostering a culture of empathy, understanding, and connectedness. By embracing this philosophy, we can transform simple moments into powerful opportunities for positive change, making the world a better place, one kind act at a time. Here are seven reasons why someone from this community should consider paying it forward:
1. Empowerment Through Giving: When members of Infamous Mothers give back, they empower not only the recipients but also themselves. This act of generosity can boost self-esteem and reinforce a sense of agency and control over one's life.
2. Strengthening Community Bonds: Paying it forward helps build stronger, more resilient communities. As individuals support each other, they create a network of mutual aid and understanding, which is crucial for a group like Infamous Mothers, where many face similar challenges.
3. Creating Positive Role Models: By paying it forward, members set a positive example for their children and others in the community. This demonstration of kindness and responsibility can have a lasting impact on younger generations.
4. Cultivating Gratitude and Humility: Engaging in acts of kindness helps individuals recognize and appreciate the help they have received. This fosters a culture of gratitude and humility, which can be especially meaningful in communities that value interconnectedness and support.
5. Encouraging a Cycle of Generosity: One act of kindness often leads to another. By paying it forward, members of Infamous Mothers can initiate a ripple effect of generosity that extends far beyond the initial act.
6. Enhancing Personal Growth: Engaging in altruistic behaviors can be a powerful tool for personal development. It can help individuals from the Infamous Mothers community to develop empathy, compassion, and a deeper understanding of the diverse experiences within their group.
7. Breaking Stereotypes and Building Respect: Infamous Mothers, by its nature, challenges societal stereotypes. Paying it forward is a tangible way for members to counter negative perceptions and build respect and dignity within and outside their community.
The practice of paying it forward, especially within communities like Infamous Mothers, goes far beyond mere financial support; it's a profound expression of empathy, connection, and mutual respect. By engaging in these acts of kindness, members not only strengthen their own sense of empowerment and personal growth but also contribute significantly to building a more resilient, compassionate, and interconnected community. This cycle of generosity, initiated by simple yet impactful acts, creates a legacy of positivity and support that can resonate for generations. It's a powerful reminder that every one of us has the capacity to make a difference in the lives of others, and in doing so, we enrich our own lives immeasurably. As we embrace this philosophy of paying it forward, we collectively weave a tapestry of support and kindness that can transform our community and the world at large.
When Paying It forward Goes Wrong
Paying it forward is generally a positive and uplifting practice, but there are scenarios where it might not go as intended. Understanding these potential pitfalls and knowing how to address them is crucial. Here are some ways paying it forward can go wrong and strategies to address these issues:
1. Misaligned Intentions or Expectations: Sometimes, the giver's intentions might not align with the receiver's needs or expectations. This can lead to misunderstandings or even resentment.
- Solution: Communication is key. Ensure clarity about the intentions behind the act of paying it forward and be open to feedback. It's important to listen to the needs of the recipients and adjust actions accordingly.
2. Dependency: Constantly providing help can sometimes lead to a dependency, where recipients rely on aid instead of developing self-sufficiency.
- Solution: Focus on empowering others. Instead of just giving aid, provide tools, education, or opportunities that enable individuals to help themselves in the long run.
3. Unintended Consequences: Good intentions don't always lead to good outcomes. Sometimes, what's meant as help can have negative side effects, like harming local businesses or communities.
- Solution: Research and foresight are essential. Understand the broader impact of your actions and seek advice from experts or community leaders to ensure that your efforts are genuinely beneficial.
4. Overextension: In the eagerness to help, one might overextend themselves, leading to burnout or financial strain.
- Solution: Set personal boundaries and be realistic about what you can offer. It's important to take care of oneself while helping others.
5. Privacy and Dignity Issues: In some cases, efforts to pay it forward, especially if publicized, can inadvertently compromise the dignity or privacy of the recipients.
- Solution: Always respect the privacy and dignity of those you're helping. Get consent if you're sharing stories or images, and be sensitive to how your actions might affect the recipients' self-esteem or privacy.
6. One-Size-Fits-All Approach: Not all forms of help are suitable for every situation or individual.
- Solution: Tailor your approach to fit the specific context and individual needs. Avoid assuming what others need; instead, ask and listen.
7. Cultural Insensitivity: Sometimes, what's considered helpful in one culture can be inappropriate or offensive in another.
- Solution: Be culturally sensitive and educate yourself about the customs and norms of the people you are helping. When in doubt, seek guidance from members of that community.
8. Neglecting Long-Term Impact: Short-term solutions might not address the root cause of a problem and can sometimes exacerbate it.
- Solution: Focus on sustainable and long-term solutions. Engage in actions that not only address immediate needs but also contribute to long-term betterment.
Paying it forward is a wonderful practice but it can “go left” really quickly. For this reason, it requires thoughtful consideration, respect for the recipients, and an understanding of the broader impact of one's actions. With the right approach, the benefits of paying it forward can be maximized for both the giver and the receiver, if you’re into that sort of thing. But, in all honesty, a true pay it forward moment isn’t about receiving anything in return at all.
How can we pay it forward in the Infamous Mothers Community
Now that we’ve set the stage, let's explore ten meaningful ways members of the Infamous Mothers Community can actively engage in paying it forward, fostering a culture of empathy, support, and collective growth.
1. Offer Emotional Support: Simply being there to listen and offer emotional support to other mothers facing challenges can be incredibly valuable. This can be done through informal gatherings, phone calls, or even virtual meetings.
2. Share Knowledge and Experience: Utilize personal experiences to guide and advise others in similar situations. This could involve sharing insights on navigating motherhood, career advice, or life skills.
3. Volunteer in the Community: Engage in volunteer work that benefits the community at large, such as helping at local shelters, schools, or community centers, without expecting anything in return.
4. Create and Distributing Educational Content: Develop and share educational materials, like blogs, videos, or pamphlets, on topics relevant to the challenges faced by members of the community.
5. Organize Free Events or Workshops: Host events or workshops on important life skills, parenting, health, or other relevant topics. These events would be free and aimed at enriching the lives of participants.
6. Mentor and Coach: Offer mentorship or coaching to other mothers who might benefit from guidance, whether it's in personal development, career growth, or parenting.
7. Advocate and Raise Awareness: Advocate for issues important to the community. This could involve writing articles, speaking at events, or participating in awareness campaigns.
8. Create Support Groups: Establish support groups that provide a safe space for sharing experiences and challenges, fostering a sense of community and mutual support.
9. Help with Day-to-Day Tasks: Assist other mothers with everyday tasks that can be overwhelming, like grocery shopping, errands, or childcare, especially for those who might be ill or having a particularly tough time.
10. Encourage and Celebrate Successes: Actively encourage and celebrate the achievements and milestones of others in the community, whether big or small, reinforcing a positive and supportive environment.
It’s clear that paying it forward in the Infamous Mothers Community is really about the small, everyday actions that make a big difference. Each of these ten suggestions is a step towards building a stronger, more connected group where everyone feels supported. Little things like a supportive chat or a shared tip that can really lift someone’s day. By doing our part, whether it’s lending an ear, sharing advice, or just celebrating each other's successes, we're making our community a warmer, more welcoming place. So let's keep it real, keep it kind, and keep it cute, knowing that every little bit of effort counts in bringing us closer together.
Conclusion
Mistee's story really hits home, showing us how simple acts of kindness can make a big difference in our lives and in our community. Her approach to paying it forward isn't just about giving; it's about connecting, sharing, and lifting people up in ways that go beyond the usual. As moms juggling the demands of family and chasing our own dreams, we're reminded that our strength often comes from supporting each other.
In our Infamous Mothers Community, every little act of kindness, like picking up someone’s tab or just being there to listen, sends a powerful message. It tells us that we're not alone in our struggles and that our ambitions are shared. It's about showing our kids the value of caring and sharing, and about building a community where everyone feels valued and supported.
At a later date, we will explore the relationship between paying it forward and success for business owners and professionals, a very intriguing phenomenon. If you are interested in learning more about it now, consider these two sources: an article from Inc. and a series called The Go Givers.
P.S. — It’s Covet Season
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ABOUT THE BLOGGER
Dr. Sagashus Levingston is an author, entrepreneur and PhD holder. She has two fur babies, Maya and Gracie, six children (three boys and three girls), and they all (including her partner) live in Madison, WI. She loves all things business, is committed to reminding moms of their power, and is dedicated to playing her part in closing the wealth gap for people of color and women. She believes that mothering is a practice, like yoga, and she fights daily to manage her chocolate intake. The struggle is real, y’all…and sometimes it’s beautiful.
Follow her on Instagram: @infamous.mothers